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| I looked outside this morning and saw frost covering all of the leaves on the ground outside of my bedroom window. All of the leaves were bent over on top of themselves, looking like they were curled in on themselves for warmth. Even so, the sparkling, white frost still bit at their edges and invaded their middles.
But that's what life is - death. In the story told last Sunday at church, death and life are two brothers inextricably combined, neither coming first nor second but both existing together simultaneously. I wish that all death was as beautiful, calm, and poetic as those shining, frosted leaves.
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| Way too much going on. Feel really sad, confused, angry, scared.
Read in my book that you can't feel anger and anxiety at the same time - definitely not true. Well, maybe true. Because right now I just feel kind of numb.
Can't believe that she would ever respond like that - wish she could have seen and heard herself. She does see and hear herself, every time her mother acts out and screams, blames, begs, and threatens her. Can't deal with that, shouldn't have to. Don't know if I can be with someone who would ever do that, let alone think that it's perfectly okay to do that and is justified. Yes, reasons for actions - but no excuse. Can't deal with such extreme ups and downs - it's fucking up how I see things and talk as well.
So sad that he died, but I guess happy too. That he didn't suffer for too long. It's hard because it's so sudden - didn't think that I would never see him again. Not like with my grandma where every "goodbye" for three years was the last goodbye. Don't know how to help my nana. Wish I knew how. Wish I could make the pain and loss everyone feels go away.
Too much.
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| I was riding in the car back from the Poconos with Juls the other day, talking and thinking. And I remembered something that I thought of many years ago which was my realization of how truly small people are in comparison to their ideals of themselves. It was a thought that I had probably when I was in late middle school, maybe freshman year of high school.
When I'm driving, a lot of the time I'm thinking about something that's going on in my life. School, work, relationships, what's for dinner, when I'm going to find time to sew up the sheets... something that seems very important to me that I would waste my time and energy thinking about it. And when I was in middle school, and this past weekend, I was thinking about one of those many, important facets of day-to-day living, and I looked around and realized that there were other people in all the cars around me. Which I always knew, of course, but never really knew.
And all of those people are probably having thoughts about their lives, which seem so truly and immediately important to them. And all of them know a full set of people - family, neighbors, friends, lovers, co-workers - and the details of their lives. It just makes me stop and realize how little I am in everything, because I forget that a lot of the time and get so caught up in and consumed by all of the minutia of my life which seem so important to me at the time. There is so much else going on all around me all the time. How close-minded and blind of me to think that my life requires such careful attention and energy when there are so many other people who likely believe the same thing about themselves. And clearly we can't all be right.
These thoughts are scary and comforting at the same time. It's difficult to explain. It's comforting to know that, as important as I innately believe I am and as worried as I become about the details and events of my life, it really does not make too much of a difference in the grand scheme of the world. But that is also very frightening and saddening, because what I would truly like to do (though why does that matter, because there are so many others who would each "truly like to do" something) is to make a difference.
Though I suppose our actions do make a difference because of the many people around us who know other people who know other people who know... And our actions create ripples which may become waves sweeping over the sands and stirring up energies which alter the weather. Or perhaps those ripples hit a log and die out. It is difficult to know. But even so, all of those people in the cars around you will go on thinking and living, absorbed in the significance and insignificance of their own lives, regardless of what thoughts you are having and the importance you so intently place on them.
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| having control issues. realized that this morning when i stepped on the scale and had the same old thought that i haven't had since high school: i wonder if i can get down to ___.
and really, it's gotta be about the control. because why the fuck else would i be thinking that right now? i'm going to have to change my pants because they're too loose and i'm already thinner than i and most other people want me to be.
so maybe i can turn it around and say: i wonder if i can get up to ___ while still eating healthfully.
who knows. i'll try. better that way, but it's hard when societal pressure is to lose weight, not gain.
hard not to try to control others when their actions clearly have a drastic and direct effect on you. on the other side, hard to deal with it when your behaviors are trying to be controlled by others.
hard trying to balance between not controlling others but not allowing yourself to be controlled. still trying to find that happy medium.
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| Doing this so I don't bother her - as usual my xanga gets pretty much only my negatives and is neglected the rest of the time.
All of the questions I would like to ask and have answered...
Were you really serious about wanting to be with him because he can cook and is good in bed? What about all of the nights last week - have I really gotten that awful? If you were joking, why the hell would you joke about him like that? "Hey Juls, Jake saves innocent animals in his spare time- he's really giving you a run for your money!" Seriously?
How many drinks are you planning on having while you are around him, especially after repeatedly admitting to yourself and to me that you are attracted to him?
Are you going to bring Barb back to our house, even though I said I'm really not comfortable with it?
Why did you just ignore me on the phone earlier when I was asking a very very simple question (whether or not I should give a goodnight call) so that it took us almost five minutes to get off the phone? i.e. probably making it seem to your friends like I pester you and don't leave you alone when all I was asking was a time sensitive (obviously) yes-or-no question.
If Barb had to take a super-long bath, where were you and Neil?
Asking them here to get them out so I don't bother. Because the answers probably wouldn't satisfy anyone anyways.
I feel so nervous/anxious/scared/worried. And sad that I feel that way. Because it means I don't trust you. But then again, you told me that I shouldn't trust you around him. Which means you probably don't trust yourself around him. So why are you going around him?
I wish this weren't a problem. I wish I weren't worried, but it's even worse to know that my worries are not without just cause and reason. That they're founded in a very real possibility that has already once been acted out.
But I'm not calling. Because it wouldn't change what you're doing and would only make things worse for you, me, and us. But I'm scared to death of what you might tell me on the phone tomorrow, or at some point in the night. And every time you go out with him I'm scared to hear back from you afterward.
It's not fair to ask you not to go see him, but it hurts that you do. Actually, it would be fair. If anything, it's probably the other way around. It wouldn't have been fair to ask you not to see him BEFORE anything had happened.
When we started dating, you said you were terrified because I was a bisexual. Projection? Yes, I had cheated before. Yes, I know that anyone could potentially cheat. But I cheated because my emotional needs were not being met. And right this second I'm wondering - are they being met now? Is it right for me to go through this intense anxiety where I'm sweaty and shaking so that you can hang out with one of your closest friends who is also someone you cheated on me with and are currently strongly attracted to?
I don't know. It hurts. I know that nagging you about it will only make things worse, but I'm scared of the outcome of some of your choices. I'm doing my best to deal with that fear for everyone's sake, but I don't even know if it's me who is the one who should be accommodating right now.
I wish relationships weren't so hard. | | |
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