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| Written years ago, probably on this site somewhere... Written fairly explicitly about myself (even physical description matches), which was very unusual for me. Pretty accurately describes my experience of myself and life for the better part of two years. The interesting part about writing this story was that I vividly remember writing the ending, and how much of a surprise it was for me, the realization of the end coming literally as I wrote the words, before that completely expecting to describe it being just as she had thought it would be - flying.
She ran through the forest, feet pounding the leaf-laden ground. Twigs caught in her dark brown waves, and she pushed them aside as best she could. She had to escape. From everything. Her family, her friends, her school, but mostly herself. She had to escape this cage that she had built for herself. She had to tear down her wall of lies before she herself believed that it was the truth. And she had to take off her mask or she would become nothing but an empty costume. But she didn't know how. And she could not ask her friends for help, because they didn't even know her. No one knew her. How could they, when she didn't even know herself. She needed to discover who she was, who she wanted to be. And then she needed to show the world that she had found herself, created herself. For what the world saw now was a mask. A mask covering what, she did not know anymore. A mask covering the truth which wasn't even alive yet.
How could she create a truth out of the emptiness beneath her mask? For that was what she was: empty. Empty of everything but pain and a longing for love. But at the same time, she was so full. Full of fruitless hopes and dreams; full of ungrantable wishes. Her life was a tangled web of lies she had tricked herself into believing.
She continued running, and she did not recognize the forest around her anymore. Her hazel eyes were bloodshot from the wind and from her tears. She couldn't make any sense of herself, and she didn't really care anymore. She had tried to make sense of this life, and she failed. And now she was tired of trying. She was not one to give up, but she had gained nothing from this. Nothing. Exactly what she deserved for her half-hearted attempts at happiness. But she didn't care. She didn't care that she wasn't happy. Happiness just didn't matter anymore. Nothing really mattered anymore.
She burst from the woods, breathing choppy and legs scratched. The ground had become rocky, and she climbed upwards. It was time to end her make-believe. After all this pretend - all this searching for something that was real - she had found something.
She approached the edge tentatively, peering over the rim of the drop-of. Then she backed up and ran. She knew that she wanted to be flying. The rim came closer, cutting the sky and shattering the light. And at last it was there, and she leaped, waiting to fly. But in her last moments, she was greeted with a greater agony than she had ever known. She was not flying. She was falling.
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| There. I invited her. Because for some reason it seems like the right thing to do.
Background: Chocolate tasting event which Juls and I were supposed to do as a date two months ago which we couldn't because it filled up. Another one scheduled for Wednesday, April 4. Wednesdays have typically been Juls and Marion's night together, though she has explicitly stated more than once that the Wednesdays are just extra and not really what's important (compared to the weekend times). And she will already be spending the whole weekend in our company for Passover/Easter.
I really have no desire to invite her. Were it not on a Wednesday, there is no way that I would invite her at this point. She has been downright nasty to me and has outright excluded me. And even though it is a Wednesday, 90% of the time they're done within a half hour of the start time for this event anyways, or there's the alternative that they could get together earlier in the day as they've done numerous times before. And it is the start of my spring break (if four days is a break), and for once I'll be home early and would really like to just spend some time with Juls.
But I guess because it is on a Wednesday, I feel like it's the right thing to at least extend the invitation. Now to wait for the coin flip (because it really is pretty much a 50/50 chance) to see if she will be grateful and appreciative or nasty and start a fight. And with odds like that, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do things that I really want NOT to do, just because they feel like the right thing.
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| When it comes right down to it, I don't believe that I should have to deal with a lot of shit that she's got going on. And I sound really uneducated stating it in that way, but I don't know how to put it any more eloquently. In terms of 1) how she tries to solve problems and communicate, 2) her impulsivity and doing a 180 on a dime - expecting everyone else to follow without question, 3) her propensity towards addiction, 4) her complete intolerance of anything that she feels even hints of someone trying to control her and the ensuing oppositional behavior, 5) her overall lack of support for me in the things that are important to me (if not being downright dismissive, nasty, belittling), 6) her listening and empathy skills, 7) her refusal to take on responsibilities or commitments, 8) how nasty and hurtful she can be to people (if she is capable of talking to her mother that way, what's to stop her from talking to me/future kids that way? or showing future kids that it's acceptable to talk like that), 9) her lack of concern for my opinions/feelings on many matters.
Funny. Most people said that I should break up with her because she wants to sleep with a guy. That in and of itself is not even on my list of issues. Falls under 2, 3, 5, and 8, though. All of the relatively smaller issues that crop up in our relationship (at least the ones that I have) stem from and/or are greatly exacerbated by these much larger underlying issues. I don't imagine that I'm perfect for a millisecond. I need to work on my listening, my flexibility and compromising, and my natural tendency to monitor things and inquire in detail. But this is my post and my reflection for right now. To try to figure out what I can deal with. There can be another post reflecting on my shortcomings, or she can write one. When I was in high school, I always thought that it was solely my flaws, my incompetence, my failure that led to the problems in my relationship. I know better now, that it is an incredibly complex interaction between both. But I stray.
The sad part is that in most of the areas I listed, she has improved at least somewhat (if not greatly) since I met her. Is it that there's a plateau now? Or is it just finally becoming too much? Or is it just the pressure of a possible proposal in the near future? I'm not ready for it now. I don't know if she's ready for it now, but I'm not. And we, as a couple, certainly are not. I'm not ready to give up on the relationship yet. We've both put a lot in, we have improved, and for some ridiculous reason I love her. I don't know that she's right for me, but I don't know that she's not right for me either. And she has two things that I value very greatly - honesty and a sense of humor. And when I can remove myself enough to stop and think about it, I have a great respect for her for all that she has accomplished and become given the challenges life has thrown at her. I don't know if that is enough. I want it to be, and I want to try, but I just don't know.
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| I told you not to worry about it.
You inquired, and I said that you already knew the answer to your question and discussing it would do no good - would only be more painful for me.
I told you not to worry about it. I think what's really going on is that I would rather imagine that I am in control of whether or not you worry about it than face the truth: that even if you knew all of the hurt I felt, you still wouldn't worry about it.
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| Wow. 2011 has been a pretty sucky year healthwise for my family.
I have gotten hives, a stomach virus, five zillion colds, and severe bronchitis. And my doctor hears something in my lungs so I've now had two chest x-rays, a course of antibiotics, two weeks of steroids, a high-contrast CT (read first IV ever), and have to get bloodwork and see a pulmonologist.
Juls is sick fairly regularly as usual.
Marion had bladder surgery and lost her voice.
Gina had a bizarre fainting episode (maybe just a virus?)
Mom got into a car accident and has a broken collar bone.
Dad has prostate cancer and is looking into treatments.
But we're all still here, and hopefully we'll be better off by the time 2013 rolls around.
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